Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Mama guilt

Well, the sickie bug has hit Matteo. I think I forgot to knock on wood when I said he hadnt been sick in a while. I just dont get it with him. Most kids get sick and within a week they are better. Not him nooo. He gets sicker and sicker and we are close to 2 weeks now. It is times like this when my mommy guilt comes out. I never breastfed him not one time. I had planned to do just alittle and I didnt.{After what I considered a traumatic birth experience}. I did breastfeed Frankie for almost seven months and I feel she is much healthier.

But I still believe in a mothers choice and despise it when other moms are judgemental.It was my choice. I am a large, extremely large breasted woman and unless you are,you cannot possibly understand what it is like to breastfeed. Aside from the fact I couldnt even find a nursing bra in my size. And I am sure online I could have got one.But at the time I didnt have the means for online shopping.

With Frankie I was much smaller but have always been big in that department and I remembered how hard it was. Trying not to suffocate my little baby with a 40 pound weight on her face.

But that all being said,Why now do I feel so guilty. It is something I cannot change. But if I do have one more. If I am so blessed.I think I would try to breastfeed at least for a couple weeks.

We are off to see the doctor tomorrow and to ask for a referral to a peditrician.Get better little boy cause mama is mighty tired.

Daddy cut off his hair. I was so sad it took so long to grow out.But it is already like 2 inches longer.So maybe we will try again.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

If I am being honest....

If I am being truly honest, I am not happy with myself. It is something I have to work and I am trying.

If I am being honest, I have put off meeting new people in Saskatchewan.

If I am being honest I despise intimacy with my husband right now.

If I am being honest I avoid mirrors at all costs.

If I am being honest I have been afraid to make friends.

Now today I have decided.I have to respect myself,if I dont how can I expect other people too. I will admitt I am on a life change. In the process I have lost 19 pounds.I have also come to realize if someone doesnt like me because of how I look,then it wasnt worth being their friend anyway.I am not doormat and I am not a victim. And I need to stop acting as such.

My husband and I have set up counselling. We have decided we have something worth saving. We will not just throw away 14 years together and 12 and half years of marriage.

This is me,Brandee. Hello